Friday, November 9, 2012

Buffets: So Much Promise, So Much…

After a day of yard work or home renovation, my wife and I have tradition of heading for one of the local Chinese buffets. You not only burn 500 to 800 calories with several hours of physical labor, you also burn some of the guilt of all-you-can-eat dining. Some, but not all.

Chinese buffets are my favorite buffets because you can, if you are careful, eat somewhat healthy and stay below the ludicrous gluttony level. It's easy to eat $6.49 to $9.99 in sushi and seafood, plus they have items we haven't managed to successfully prepare at home. I'm quite good at rationalizing the Chinese buffet experience.

Then, there are the "country" buffets that hold so much promise… until you are eating the meal. And then there is the post-meal regret. I simply haven't found a set of rationalizations for the country buffet, even when I'm extremely hungry.

It starts simply enough: the buffet seems convenient and you're famished. The idea of some old-fashioned meat, potatoes, and pie lures you into the buffet. There are dozens of these places, some of them actually part of the same parent company. They are as distinct as the mashed potatoes and bulk gravy they serve.

The initial enthusiasm is tempered the moment you find yourself in the cattle-yard style winding line. You try to tell yourself it is like a theme park: the wait will be worth the reward at the end. Then you survey your fellow livestock and realize there is a reason stereotypes exist. Jeff Foxworthy must have stood in these same lines on numerous occasions. It's not polite, certainly not politically correct, but the patrons of the feed trough approach to dining are obviously loyal to the concept.

Obesity is a serious problem, not something to mock or dismiss. Yet, I can't believe the people in these lines are taking their health seriously. When you have trouble fitting within the wooden barriers that guide the lines, you don't belong at a buffet. When your scooter makes a groaning sound as you try to advance, you need to reconsider the all-you-can-eat habit. I've heard a manager say they were removing booths because too many customers don't fit, so they need tables.

You pay your admission fee, often including a discount stamp and a ticket, and the sense you're at a theme park is reinforced a little more. As you walk to your table or booth, you might pass "themed" buffet displays: La Hacienda, The Lighthouse, Wok Way, and Grandma's House. One buffet has the Green Grocer instead of a salad bar. All we need is a log flume to complete the experience. There are balloons for the kids at some of the chains. Eating is fun!

When I see someone trying to carry two or even three plates through the buffet lines, each piled higher than my complete meal, I want to know how anyone could be so hungry. Something must be wrong, medically, because nobody should need 4000 calories at one meal. Worse, these same people hit the dessert bar and take one of everything. It's stunning and heartbreaking.

Seeing these men, women, and children — especially the children — you start wondering about the choice you've made. Maybe obesity is "contagious" culturally. The buffet isn't quite like a county fair, but deep-fried Twinkies and funnel cakes might be the only foods missing. Come to think of it, I have seen funnel cakes at a buffet. One national chain has added cotton candy and fresh mini donuts, common fair foods in the Midwest. Yes, what could possibly go wrong with cotton candy and dozens of kids on sugar highs?

It's hard to enjoy a meal with an announcement loop in the background. "Please, no running in the restaurant. We ask that all children under ten be accompanied by an adult. Please do not drop food on the floor. Thank you for keeping our restaurant clean." Thankfully, we've only heard these polite pleas in one location of a national chain. The announcements are ineffective, as if anyone expected them to work.

I'm not sure why the atmosphere is so different at Chinese buffets, but it is. I would have thought buffet patrons were buffet patrons, but that's not the case. My assumption is that it is the food that determines the clients.

When I mentioned this to my wife, she pointed out that children like hot dogs, simple burgers, and cheese pizza. They aren't interested in coconut shrimp, broccoli beef, or seafood medley with calamari and octopus. Kids are picky eaters. They aren't interested in the dozen different sushi rolls at my favorite buffet. They are repulsed by food that is rubbery or in shells.

The Southern-style buffets specialize in fried chicken, meatloaf, and a half-dozen potato dishes. Simple and familiar. And fattening.

Why do we go to these places knowing the experience will not measure up to the ideal? Maybe its hope. We hope that "this time" it will be nice. Plus, the food isn't really that bad — you merely need a bit of self-restraint.

My wife and I have developed some buffet strategies. Go early, so you avoid the rush and get fresh food. Go on weekdays, not weekends, unless you go between lunch and dinner on a Saturday. Forget Sundays: the church crowds rush to the buffets. Go to the "grill station" so you know the food is cooked while you wait. If there are desserts, opt for the pies in cases or the items they serve to you, because the kids love to pick through the desserts.

I'm sure we'll keep trying the buffets. The convenience is hard to resist. Let's hope that convenience doesn't catch up to us.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I've Already Been to Vegas

Casinos with gaudy decor inside and neon displays outside tower above convenience stores and pawn shops. Cheap buffets, or at least semi-affordable buffets, compete for the hungry tourists. Wedding chapels, using the term "chapel" quite loosely, advertise on bus stop shelters and benches. Gift shops charge double or triple what a t-shirt should cost so you can prove you saw the sights. You can catch a show featuring the "Original Platters" or another recreation of a group without any original members. On the edges, there are the gentlemen's clubs and adult shops.

And if you look for it and walk past the casinos, buffets, and trinket shops, you just might find the little bit of park that includes the Niagara Falls.

I've been to Las Vegas several times. Personally, I like Las Vegas for what it is: proudly artificial. It's a homage to all things fake and fleeting.

Niagara Falls? If anyplace shouldn't remind me of Las Vegas, it would be Niagara Falls.

Tacky "Indian" teepees near the "Smokin' Joe's" tobacco store? I don't remember much about early American history, but I recall the Seneca tribe built longhouses. But, I guess tourists want teepees and wooden Indian statues in front of tobacco stores.

The Seneca Casino sells so many tacky (not kitschy, simply tacky) "native American" toys and trinkets from China that it reminded me of the stores near the Grand Canyon. Disneyland's Frontierland is a more authentic experience.

The falls? They are incredible. But they occupy a relatively small space in the Niagara area.

When my wife and I decided to take a detour to Niagara Falls after a family memorial, I had visions of a glorious national park. It was a cold, rainy, autumn afternoon. Coming from California, we're used to parks that are… a bit more natural. I expected a park like Yosemite or Sequoia. I expected open spaces and woodlands. I didn't expect what we found. It was disappointing.

Yosemite and the Grand Canyon were a bit too "touristy" with hundreds of cars and thousands of people. There are snack bars, hotels, and the requisite gift shops. I don't mind the paved walkways, the nice observation decks, or the other niceties for tourists. The parks are so immense that you can easily leave the tackiness behind and find nature. Leave the parking lots, the tourist cabins, and the organized camp grounds and soon you feel the wonderful sense of being apart from civilization.

You can't really get that feeling of being apart from it all at Niagara Falls. You look across the falls and you see… casinos and buffets and the tacky gift shops on the Canadian side of the river. The Sky Needle on the Canadian side is impressive, but I bet the view would be more amazing without it.

We'll go back to Niagara Falls in the spring or summer. It will be crowded and more absurd. Yet, seeing the falls on a sunny day will be worth it. If nothing else, we can people watch.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My Random Thoughts Needed a Home

Assorted associations, drawn from the
Curious contemplations of a mind that engages in
Miscellaneous musings, produce the
Random ruminations found on this blog.
Quirky questions certain to offer
Withering wisdoms on the human condition.

Welcome to the Inklings of a mind than seldom rests. If you find yourself watching people and wondering "Why?" from time to time (or on a daily basis), you might enjoy this blog. If you look around and can't decide if you should laugh or cry, join me and laugh so hard you cry. There's really little alternative — life is short, so you might as well mock existence.

I maintain several supposedly serious blogs, but there is nothing more serious than the quest for humor in existence. I hope to post here at least monthly, but there's enough source material to post daily. Maybe there's enough source material to post several times a day when I dare to venture beyond the front steps of our house. That's why I like to stay home and play with the cats.

If you don't like your humor dry, dark, and sarcastic (and often sardonic), then you probably won't enjoy this little gray corner of the blogosphere. If, however, you do find people remarkably funny in their little tribes and herds, trying hard to be different like everybody else, then this space might entertain you.